Ups and Downs

It’s been a while since I’ve written here.  I feel like the whole site needs a bit of a facelift.  I often find myself writing to work through something.  I decided to write today instead of Monday or Tuesday when I was feeling extremely down.

I’m a member of a photography association.  They put on workshops, events and meetups. I love this.  I liked my college for upgrading classes, but the program is going to be cancelled soon, so it’s nice to have this group to continue learning and meet other photographers and assistants.

So… Monday… I was so excited for Monday.  It was the peer portfolio review.  There were some really big names coming to the event.  One name I really hoped I’d get.  I made a new book back in February in order to graduate my photography program.  My coordinator loved my book.  He gave some suggestions, like a different cover and to leave some blank space and make the photos different sizes.  So, I rushed to do all this before the portfolio review.  I ended up adding 2 more photos.

I arrived at the event, my name was called, but I didn’t get the photographer I had hoped for.  My book was not well received.  I felt a bit down, but then just thought, I’m not this photographer’s style.  We took a break, then it was time to switch.  Fingers crossed I got the photographer I wanted.  No luck.  So, I went with a positive attitude and thought, this group will love my book.  They did not.  So, finally, feeling completely defeated, I pulled up my website and showed my feature page with my portraits.  Everyone loved them.  “Why didn’t you make this your portfolio?”  “Well, it is my portfolio, anyone can look it up and see it and my technical ability.”  In my head I’m screaming, Anyone can do this!  I want to be different! I want to make pictures no on else can make! I want to be remember for my art!

I couldn’t sleep Monday night.  I was so down on Tuesday, I wanted to quit.  Today I know I can’t quit.  This is who I am.  If I’m not shooting, my stomach hurts, I’m anxious, it’s not a good feeling.  I take a picture, I’m calm, all is right with the world.  I make a multiple exposure that I love and fireworks.  I feel so proud.  I know no one in the whole world will have made the exact same, or close to the same photo as me.  The goal is always to grow and get better at it and of course picture taking and lighting in general.  That’s the great thing about photography.  You will never stop learning and getting better.

By the way, that photo is what I used for my book cover.  Was it the wrong choice?  I still don’t think it was.  But, I could be wrong.